Our New Normal Isn't So Pretty....At Least Not For Now!

Our new normal. You may be wondering what it looks like. Some picture an adoptive family's new normal as a beautiful, loving and possibly euphoric high. I mean after all you are saving the life of a child who should be eternally grateful to you for what you are doing. Unfortunately, I think in general there are several misconceptions about adoption and bringing a hurt child home. While it is a joyous time to bring home a new family member, it is also a difficult time of transition, one that won't happen overnight. Our little guy left behind all he knew, his caregivers, his food, his constant immersion in his language, his friends, his routine, etc. He is suffering a loss while we are experiencing a gain. Bring both of these worlds together and you have a mess.    

It's hard to talk about the reality of what our new normal looks like. Why?  Because not many people understand what we have done.  We don't want to hear from anyone, "Well, if it's so hard why did you adopt?" and "you knew this was going to be hard, so you can deal with it".  We have days filled with tears where we feel isolated and completely alone.  We have days where we wonder if we made the right decision. In these times, we're reminded of God's faithfulness to our family throughout this whole process. Who are we to doubt what God has called our family to do? Who are we to want to give up so quickly on this child and send him back?  When we were adopted into Christ's family it wasn't conditioned upon how we acted or things we did.  He already knew we would sin and fail daily.  He knew we would constantly need Him!  Doesn't this child deserve the same chance?  After all, he is loved by God.  Satan wants us to believe otherwise.  He attacked our whole family in Latvi@ and he hasn't stopped since we've been home. In the same way, we need you to accept Warrior where he is in life, not where you want him to be.

Our little boy comes from a place Matt and I or anyone else may never truly be able to fully grasp. Can you imagine being unwanted and abandoned at birth? Can you imagine "failing to thrive"?  Can you imagine being in a baby house for 4 years where you are left to comfort and soothe yourself because no one ever comes to hold or rock you? Can you imagine getting to the point where you quit crying because no one comes to feed you when you are hungry? Can you imagine being left in a sterile crib for hours a day so no one has to deal with you? Can you imagine not knowing how to speak or communicate your needs verbally because no one took the time to teach you how to speak?  Fast forward to our child's two years in the orphanage beginning at the age of four. There, he was finally taught words to give him a voice (some good words and some bad words), and at the same time he was given freedoms he should never have been given for his very young age. He learned behaviors which aren't acceptable in our home; pinching and biting just to name a few.  I witnessed the scratching and hitting during my brief time at his orphanage.  Our little guy has a few scars on his face which I can only imagine were from a scratching match.  He witnessed things so inappropriarate that adults shouldn't even see, let alone a six year old.

So now, take this child and place him into a loving family. What do you expect? Instant bonding and reciprocation of love? Think again! This child entered our family a fighter.  He is slowly learning what it means to belong and to be loved. He's learning how to share with our children without hurting them.  He's learning what appropriate touch is and how to not touch others inappropriately.  He's learning what it's like to have a male figure leading the household. He's learning how to sit at a table and use table manners.  He's learning what it's like to have a mom and a dad. He's learning how to bond with all of us as a family.  He's learning about how to not touch a hot stove or iron or pick up knives and play with them in the kitchen.  He's also learning how to not run out in front of cars because he could get hit.  Does this sound like a child who is ready to join the world outside of our home?  Does this sound like a child who is ready to play with other children? 

Since we've been home, we have faced and are continuing to face many challenges with our little guy. As strange as this may sound, the love we have for him is an acquired love.  Matt and I daily pray God will help us to see Warrior through His eyes and not ours.  During this huge transition time, we kindly ask for you to respect our needs for our family.  We have listed our current needs and some candid things we don't need as this would only complicate matters.

What we don't need:
1) Constant reminders that we got ourselves "in this mess"
2) Criticism about the choices we are making to raise our new son (it will be different than how you raise your children.)
3) For you to ask our son if he likes it here (He is confused and still getting over the loss of all he knew in Latvi@. He thinks our house is America and when we leave our home, he thinks we are leaving America.)
4) Strange looks and stares when our little guy sticks his tongue out at you or mocks every word and movement you say and do (At this time, he has zero social skills and is learning how to appropriately act around other people/strangers.)

What our family needs right now:
1) Support and encouragement
2) Patience as we try to become a family of 7
3) Prayers
4) Privacy as we learn to adapt to our new normal
5) Understanding that for a long time we won't be able to do a lot of the things we did before we left (attend church as family, attend homeschool coop, entertain visitors, go on play dates, etc.).

Today, we took Warrior to a child psychologist that specializes in adoptive children that have been institutionalized.  This doctor was recommended by several friends who have seen her over the years.  We were hoping that this specialist could talk with him, hear our concerns and perhaps help us crack some of the bad behaviors and weird habits.  Instead, she observed him play and talked to us for the majority of the meeting.  She took a total of two hours and spent this time getting to know us and observed him play.  During the session, we learned so much about why he does the things he does.  The doctor observed some things that we had never even noticed.  We were assured by her that he truly is at a two year old's level.  She attributes many of his behaviors to his "failure to thrive" early on after his birth.  She instructed us on how to comfort him and respond to some of his behaviors.  In a way, she helped re-program us on how we should view him and how our bio kids can adjust as well.  She reiterated that this will be a long and challenging road with this child.  For friends and family reading this, please know that our family will never be the same.  We have a special needs child.  He will be taught differently than our other kids.  He'll be given different treatment that our other children.  He'll be delayed for a long time as he basically starts his life over from infancy.  Towards the end of the session, she looked me in the eyes and said that "it is a miracle" that he is even alive today.  Friends and family, please look at him as a two year old, not a six year old.  He may get "younger" before he gets older.

Also, today, we received a huge box from FedEx from an anonymous donor. If the donor is reading this, thank you so much!  This gift was a huge blessing!  This package along with the meals we've received, emails and prayers mean more to us than you can image.  During the past two weeks being home, we've had many many lows.  Your gifts, meals, kind words and thoughtfulness have come at the exact time that they have been needed.  Thank you again!